James Potter, Nature Expert
by The Werewolf Mage
Summary: Tired of his quote unquote professor status, James decides to keep a 'nature journal' of the residents of Hogwarts. Boy won't he be in trouble when someone finds it? Rated to be safe.
1. Snivicus Greasimus

Title: James Potter, Nature Expert

Summary: Tired of his quote unquote professor status, James decides to keep a 'nature journal' of the residents of Hogwarts. Boy won't he be in trouble when someone finds it?

Notes: Well, it's meant to be stupid, nonsense, and pointless. I guess I'm trying to get back to my silly roots. It's something that does not have a definite ending. It's just something I'll be working on in my spare time, basically.

Hope no one minds.

Chapter 1: Snivicus Greasimus

James Potter found himself in a dimly lit corner of the library, settled under his Invisibility Cloak, a roll of parchment stretched out on his knees, and quill and ink nearby.

He chose that corner because he knew there was less likely the chance of him being sat upon.

And he did not need that. What he was doing was for his own enjoyment. Or, more likely, a way to cure boredom. Especially since partner in crime, Sirius Black, was in detention.

He was watching Severus Snape, his nose nearly touching the thick book he was reading.

James shook his head, stuck the tip of his tongue out of the corner of his mouth, and began to write:

_Snivicus Greasimus_

_This writer chose today, Tuesday, to write of the Snivicus Greasimus, commonly found lurking in dungeons and other dark places where you would think to find something gross and greasy. _

_Their thick, greasy fur protects them from harm and also falls in their face, a most ingenious way to protect themselves from harm, especially anything that could befall their extremely large noses. _

_The use of these noses have no been made obvious to this writer at this date. Though this writer assumes it is a natural defense mechanism._

_It has been made clear to this writer that the creatures seem to have a hatred of water or anything liquid that comes in contact with their fur. It may be poisonous to them. This writer is unsure of that._

James glanced at Snape, who had not moved an inch, it seemed. James smoothed his parchment nervously, wondering whether or not Snape had an idea that he was writing, or even in that corner, silently making fun of him.

It seemed he had not. Snape turned a page in his book, picked up his quill, and scribbled away on a bit of parchment.

Rolling his eyes, James sniggered to himself and went back to his writing.

_Snivicus seems content to attack at random, unprovoked moments. This writer can surely vouch for that. Though, the attacks are usually fruitless and do no harm. Or very little at all._

_Their signature call is that of 'Mudblood'. Insulting and taunting their prey in a way that is highly upsetting to this writer. _

_But this writer can do nothing for it, as it seems, if the creature goes a day without calling out 'Mudblood', it shall surely cease to be._

_This writer surely assumes that the Snivicus is a member of the bat family, or closely related as the all black colouring surely suggests. Even during formal seasons, this creature remains black._

James was just getting into his "report" when he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Snape was getting to his feet and stuffing things in his bag. James needed to wrap it up. But he could always report some more on Snivicus another day.

_This writer would like to conclude with the fact that Snivicus is a dying breed. There will be no more to roam the earth, as this writer can see, no woman, sane or insane, would possibly want to mate with it._

Still sniggering to himself, James folded up his parchment, gathered his things, and tucked them into his bag. He got to his feet, still under his cloak, and raced to the doors, getting there in time to leave with Snape.

He turned to the stairs and headed up, whipping his cloak off as he went.

"I've got to show this to Padfoot." James smiled. He was sure Sirius would get a kick out of it.

But then he paused. He would surely show it to Sirius, but only when he was fully finished with his reports.


	2. Wheezing Filch

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: I was going to title it after Big Foot, but then I remembered Wheezin' Ed from Hey! Arnold and I think it suits Filch better.

Chapter 2: Wheezing Filch

James panted slightly as he raced up the stairs and ducked into an empty classroom. He was going to be in for it. If Filch caught him, that was.

Which gave him an idea. Filch would just have to be the subject of his next little paper.

Leaning against the door, he heard Filch wheezing slightly as he passed, figuring James must have gone back to the Common Room and found someone to vouch that he had been up there all night and was not sneaking into the kitchens.

He silently cursed himself for forgetting his Invisibility Cloak. But, his eyes resting on the desk closest to the window, he smiled and silently thanked whoever left that quill and spare bit of parchment around.

_Wheezing Filch_

_Filch is an... interesting specimen. One does not know where he lives or what makes him so quick to jump at any wrong-doing. _

_But Filch is very capable of finding anyone, especially this writer, doing any sort of mischief. Even if it is floors above/below the floor Filch himself is located. _

_Like Snivicus, Filch is one for saying, not doing. His favorite cry is that of any sort of threat, his very favorite, and most common, would involve hanging said mischief maker from the dungeon ceiling by their thumbs, ankles or wrists._

_Filch is not a quick creature. He is more known to shuffle through the halls at a speed between normal and slowly. But his knowledge of secret passages in the school far surpasses the normal student's, so be careful when angering him._

_Which is a very easy thing to do. Common knowledge is that Filch hates anything happening to his precious school. From a scuff on the floor to full-blown dueling in the halls. Tread carefully. You may be able to get away with something. Sometimes._

_Filch may be related to pack rats, as Filch is constantly confiscating anything that he can. It is unknown why. This writer figures it is either to sell, not likely, or it is to get enjoyment out of the tricks and jokes he confiscates. _

_Also not too likely. It is all assumption at the moment._

_And lastly, this writer would like to make it known that Filch is also angry for an ironic reason: he is a Squib, working in a school of magical students. _

_Not too many people know this. But if this is ever revealed to you, kindly make loud groans and complaints about how hard your classes are while in Filch's vicinity, he will get angry, but cannot say anything, lest he risk the chance of anyone else finding out he cannot do magic._

_Best of luck to you, and this writer, who currently needs to try to get away from him._

James rolled this bit of parchment up and tucked it safely in his pocket before tiptoeing to the door. There was no sound on the other side.

Timidly, he opened the door and peeked out. The hall was empty. He stepped out, looked behind him, and took off running towards Gryffindor Tower.

Thankfully, he did not run into Filch. Or anyone for that matter. He was panting slightly, but pleased with himself at the same time.

Before going to bed, James safely tucked the parchment into a small box at the bottom of his trunk, awaiting the time when he could add another piece of parchment to it, and wondering who it would be about next.


	3. Strictly McGonagall

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 3: Strictly McGonagall

It was in detention when James decided to write his next little paper. After all, it would be a nice little form of revenge as McGonagall had given him detention. So surely she deserved her own place in his little series or whatever it was?

He was very glad she had gone soft on him and given him lines, but that was probably only because of the match against Hufflepuff the next morning.

He stretched out his parchment and started to write, glancing up occasionally and staying on his toes in case he had to cove the parchment quickly.

_Strictly McGonagall_

_Minerva McGonagall may very well be one of the strictest creatures inhabiting Hogwarts castle. Even the poor little firsties cannot escape her wrath. And the poor the little beings have no idea what they've done wrong._

_But they learn quickly to watch themselves around the stern professor. _

_But even being watchful cannot fully ensure your safety. As McGonagall is very good at realizing when someone is causing trouble. She, too, seems to have a knack for finding it._

_And delivering swift punishments to those who break rules._

_McGonagall also does not seem to be capable of humor. As this writer knows very well. I have tried to do some pranking in her class, naturally to make her laugh, and it always fails. _

_As a matter of fact, this writer has never even seen McGonagall crack a smile. And yet, I am very certain that she won't when she sees this._

_McGonagall seems to be very unchanging. She constantly keeps her hair up in a tight bun, which calls for puns of "letting our hair down" during those festive times of the year when we are actually allowed a dance or celebration. Or if we win a Quidditch match._

_Which brings me to a nice point. _

_T__he one good thing this writer knows of McGonagall is: she can be a bit lax on her punishments. As long as you are a part of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. She's very biased towards her team. And I thought teachers were not supposed to take sides. Naughty, naughty._

_Surely, this writer would have found himself scrubbing trophies or worse: in the Hospital Wing cleaning bedpans without magic, unless there was a match tomorrow._

_So thank you for that, McGonagall!_

James dipped his quill into his pot of ink and scratched his chin, wondering what else he could add to it. He knew he was missing something. But what?

He jumped slightly as he heard the sound of someone coming down the hall. He hastily picked up his quill and began to write very, very quickly. He had not done nearly enough lines.

But it wasn't McGonagall, so he slowed himself down a bit, wondering what else to add on his piece about McGonagall as he wrote his lines.

A half hour later, he double-checked his lines and made sure nothing was out of place. He left the parchment on McGonagall's desk, his own little essay safely tucked away in his pocket, and quickly left the room.

Once safely back in the Common Room, he chose a quiet corner, pulled out his parchment, and smoothed it out, trying to figure out what he had left out.

He sat in that corner, tapping the end of the quill to his chin, thinking. Knowing he had left out something he found important was driving him nuts.

But sadly, he needed sleep for the match. So, McGonagall's paper would have to remain incomplete for the time being.


	4. AbracaDumbles

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: I was thinking a special chapter later on. A special on the Slytherins maybe? Input?

Chapter 4: Abraca-Dumbles

James was seated in History of magic, bored out of his mind. He had spent the past several minutes staring out the window. But seeing as how nothing interested had flown by, he had taken to doodling.

First he drew a circle. A somewhat triangular body. Stick arms and legs. A triangle hat. The he added a beard, glasses, a tiny wand, and lots of little stars on the robes and hat.

He grinned to himself at the finished image, which gave him an idea. Underneath it, he began to write.

_Headmaster Dumbles_

_This writer's very favorite teacher, even though he doesn't really do much teaching, would be Headmaster Dumbledore. Mainly because this writer has been able to get away with some... interesting things around Dumbles._

_He is far more laid back than McGonagall and has even convinced her not to punish this writer on occasion. _

_Plus, he has a great sense of fashion. Not too many people can pull off the starry robe look. Especially with a beard like that._

_But sometimes this writer thinks Dumbles can be too smart for his own good. And too magicky, if that's even a phrase. _

_Because it seems that Dumbles has the ability to see through this writer's Invisibility Cloak. Dumbles has never said if he could or not, but it sure seems that way. And sure feels creepy. _

_But he has yet to speak up if he can. Which is good news for me!_

_Dumbles is also pretty good at knowing what you want to say before you say it. And he is very patient, too. Which is also good. _

_Though Dumbles can develop a sudden temper at times. Which is bad. Very, very bad. You do not want to make Dumbles angry. It rarely winds up ending happily._

_This writer seemed to think that the best thing about Dumbles is the fact that Dumbles does not seem too keen on the Slytherins. Especially when they insult the Muggleborns. Dumbles is kind of protective of Muggleborns, as is this writer. _

_This writer is quite glad that Dumbles cares for the Muggleborns and a dear friend of this writer's. If it weren't for Dumbles, the two of us would have probably never met. _

_This writer has realized he has not been sarcastic in this writing. Maybe it is because Dumbles is my favorite. And I'm sure he'd find these little papers of mine amusing._

James made to dip his quill in his ink to write some more, but caught Sirius watching him. "What?" James whispered., trying to shield his parchment from Sirius's gaze. He wasn't too ready to show him yet. He wanted to get more done.

"What are you writing? Don't tell me you're taking notes." Sirius scoffed.

"Me?" James asked with a grin. "Taking notes? When we have Moony to do it? Never!"

"So what are you writing?" Sirius asked. "Love letters to Evans?"

"You know it." James grinned. He hoped Sirius would buy that and leave what he was writing alone. He seemed to.

Then James got an idea. Maybe he should write something on a dear friend of his next. And be sneakier about it. If he did wind up writing about Sirius, that one would not be seen.


	5. The Floating Menace

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 5: The Floating Menace

James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus, along with the rest of the school, were inside during their break as it was raining. And Peeves had chosen the Gryffindor Common Room to make mayhem. Which, of course, gave James an idea.

But it would have to wait. Even though Remus was distracted by his books, Sirius and Peter were doing nothing and therefore would probably turn their attention to him if he started to write.

And he was not quite ready yet to show off his growing collection.

So he waited until he was in his next class, Study of Ancient Runes, to rush through his assignment and write while he was supposed to be reading a chapter in his textbook.

_Peeves: The Floating Menace_

_Well known for making an annoyance of himself, Peeves is by far the most known, and avoided, ghost in the castle. Especially since students, even firsties, are quick to learn that Peeves is usually equipped with something to throw at unsuspecting students._

_Mostly chalk. Though he has been known to throw water balloons, stink pellets, dungbombs, ink, and other assorted objects he has stolen, from Filch and the students._

_General knowledge in the castle is that once Peeves starts mayhem, run the other way as fast as you can. It is very easy to get caught in the backlash. _

_Peeves knows no respect. In fact the only voice of reason he listens to is the Bloody Baron, the Slytherin ghost. And that is probably out of fear. So don't expect him to listen to you. No matter what you do._

_At times Peeves can be heard before seen. I am not referring to the noise he makes when destroying something. I mean the loud, wet raspberries he is known to blow when bored or getting ready to do something awful._

_I am not sure where Peeves goes to "relax", better to say plan more disasters. Mostly, I would think him hovering in a dark, silent place, even though that does not seem like Peeves. But I am sure the other ghosts don't allow him wherever they are._

_But Peeves does not seem to rest very long. It must be impossible for him to go a day without causing a teeny bit of destruction. _

_Feminine screams must be enjoyable to Peeves, as he seems to target the girls a tiny bit more than he does the boys in the castle. Why, just the other day, he dropped a large fat rodent in front of a group of Gryffindor girls._

_As stated before, the Baron is the only one who can control Peeves. So it is not necessary to run to a Professor as they probably cannot do anything. It is wise to run away._

_There has been the very rare occasion that Peeves has taken up for a student. Needless to say, do not expect him to, unless Filch is after you and he is around. Peeves and Filch seem to loathe each other. _

_And lastly, this writer would like to add that Peeves seems to be one-of-a-kind. And there is no real reason to fear bodily harm. Well, too much of it. Leave him be and he might make life a little bit easier for you._

James straightened his parchment, satisfied. Well, nearly fully satisfied. He wasn't too sure he had made enough points, but then he remembered it was not too likely that the school was going to see it anyway.

For the time being, he tucked it safely away in his book. That way, he could get to it easily if he needed to make changes, which he felt was unnecessary at the time.


	6. Moony

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: I had such a better chapter in mind but I totally forgot it. I know everyone, I think, was looking forward to Sirius, but how's about Moony first, hmm?

Chapter 6: Moony

James was settled in the library, not hiding under his cloak this time. Instead, he found himself seated at the same table as Remus, who was engrossed in his book and not taking notice to James.

Who found himself wishing that Remus could be a bit more lenient sometimes.

But sometimes he'd definitely rather he wasn't. Like then.

It gave him the perfect chance to write about Remus. It did feel a bit like a betrayal, but maybe, if Remus ever saw it, he'd think it funny. At least, James hoped that.

_Moony_

_This writer does feel a bit bad for writing this, but no one should see this, right? Especially not anyone that this writer has written about._

_Where to start with Moony? I mean, really. There is a bit to say about him. But then, there's some things that probably should be left out._

_Like his furry little problem. That, I don't think, needs to be addressed. Lest the slimy ones get their hands on this. And nobody needs that._

James glanced up at Remus, who he thought had been watching him write. But when he looked up, Remus merely turned a page in his book and brushed a strand of hair out of his face.

James shrugged and went back to writing.

_Loyalty means a lot to Moony. So much so that he has gone against Dumbles and not turned us in for making mischief as he was thought to do when made a Prefect. Which kind of makes this writer glad._

_Even though he has gotten angry with us to the point of telling us off and making us feel fairly low. We still forgive him._

_The Moony is somewhat quiet, though, despite the odd times he's gotten mad. Moony tends to stay in the library, which must be a safe haven to him or something._

_My bet is he'll marry a librarian._

_That is, if he marries. Sometimes it seems like Moony is afraid of the female population. Though I know of some girls who think him handsome. Charming. _

_It's like they've got dragon pox or something._

James timidly glanced up as he heard Remus move, silently hoping he was not getting up to see what James was writing.

He wasn't. He was just searching through his bag, probably for his quill.

_The Moony seems to take an interest in grades. Though he also feels that they probably won't matter to him in the long run. Which takes some time to cheer him up._

_The Moony also craves chocolate. It is Moony's favorite treat and this writer can confirm that Moony has a stash of chocolate hidden under his pet. _

_The Moony also thinks that the wizarding --_

The rest of James's thought went straight out of his head, and a large ink scratch went onto the parchment when Remus asked, "What are you writing?"

"Nothing, nothing." James said quickly, shoving the parchment into his bag and silently cursing himself. That was one he would have to rewrite. Like when Remus was asleep or in the Hospital Wing.


	7. The Sprouting

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 7: The Sprouting

After a boring and very hot Herbology lesson, probably the last hot one for the year, James settled down in his chair by the fire, ready to go to bed, but very glad it had not been raining at least.

Then he rememebered the idea he had gotten while laughing at Peter, who had gotten tangled in the long, flow-y vines of a purple and green flowering shrub. He thought Sprout had said it was called a Wigintish or something to that nature.

He hadn't really been paying too much attention. All he remembered was the plant seemed to like Peter and Sprout had said something about the swirly flowers it made when blooming. They had the most marvelous abilities in potions, especially Love Potions.

But Love Potions and man-eating bushes aside, James had found his next subject.

_The Flowering Sprout_

_Well, she could be. Sprout has enough dirt on her, mainly under her nails, to become a garden. Though who knows what she would grow there._

_Head of Hufflepuff, Sprout is actually the most unbiased teacher in the entire castle. She'll even treat the slimy ones with respect and compassion. Amazing, isn't it? Especially seeing as how Dumbles, the Headmaster of the school, is pretty biased against the slimy little gits._

_Sprout has the ability to go deaf in situations. Such as plants grabbing or biting students, which cause them to swear very loudly._

_Sprout can also sometimes be smelled before seen. Especially if she has just taught a class that used her favorite fertilizer, dragon dung. _

_But we won't hold that against her. Especially as she rewarded this writer about thirty points for Gryffindor in our last class. And she never takes points away, either._

_Even when it comes to Quidditch, Sprout is not a competitor. She would much rather see fair play than have her team win. Which, no offense to her or her House, but really, I think four-year-olds could beat them. _

_But they do play fair, so more power to them, I guess._

_Now, you would think, with all the good qualities the Sprouty one has, there would be something bad, right? Right?_

James paused, his quill on his parchment. There must be something bad about Sprout. There must be. But nothing was coming to mind.

He began to scratch his chin with the end of his quill. What could there be? No one could be some wonderful. Especially not a teacher!

But he could still think of nothing bad to say about Sprout. Hastily, he thought of a wrap-up paragraph.

_OK, so maybe I can't come up with any dirt on Sprout. Ha, I made a pun! I think. But even though I speak the kindness of her, she is not my favorite. She's nowhere near old Dumbles on my list. _

_And I will find that dirt! Not the literal dirt, but – oh forget it!_

James was growing flustered with his parchment. As he spotted Sirius leaving a group of girls and heading his way, he folded it up and stuffed it in his robes and tried to seem cheerful. After all, Sirius could be next. And he wasn't letting Sirius in on anything just yet.


	8. A Very Special Chapter

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: The chapter you've all been waiting for. Shame I can't give it a better name. And sory it's late getting up. I've been playing Wii all day.

Chapter 8: A Very Special Chapter

James was sitting impatiently in History of Magic. He was bored, but also felt like his brain was empty. There was nothing in his mind at all. No silly observations, no doodles. No nothing.

He sighed softly and began to flip his quill in his hands. Which was just about the time he noticed Sirius watching him.

"What?" he asked, not pulling his gaze from the quill in his hand as he flipped it over and over and over again.

"That bored, hmm?" Sirius asked, leaning back in his chair. "And not writing anything?"

"Why would I be?" James asked, with a hint of defense in his tone.

Sirius shrugged. "Don't know. Remus said you were really engrossed in writing something the other night. I figured you'd buckled down and started to study or something."

"Me?" James asked in mock awe. "Study? When I've never needed to?"

Sirius grinned and shook his head. "So what have you been doing, then?" he asked, somewhat eagerly. After all, if it wasn't studying, James must have been up to something interesting, mustn't he?

"I'll tell you later." James muttered, his gaze falling back to the desk.

Sirius easily masked his disappointment. He was interested in what James had been doing, but maybe it wasn't so interesting at all. He really should learn to stop getting his hopes up.

And later that evening, he wondered if James even remembered he'd tell him. James had not said much during the day and at that time, he was off at Quidditch practice.

And who knew how long that was going to last?

It turned out not very long. James and the rest of the team trooped inside the Common Room shortly after, with James heading upstairs to the boys' dorm. Sirius thought for a moment, then hurried upstairs behind him.

When he got upstairs, he found James fumbling around in his trunk for something. "Lost something?" Sirius asked, leaning against the door and trying to look uninterested.

"No." James had jumped slightly at the sound of Sirius's voice, but quickly recovered. "No, just... looking for something."

"Liiike?"

James sighed softly and thrust the bits of parchment in his hand towards Sirius, who quickly snatched them. "I said I'd show you later, didn't I?" James asked.

Sirius nodded and sank down on the bed and began to read. Every once and a while, he'd snicker. But once he reached Snape's page, he could not stop laughing.

"Brilliant." he told James, wiping a tear from his eye. "Brilliant. Where did this idea come from?"

James shrugged. "I guess being Substitute Professor Potter isn't enough for me. I have to be the nature observer of the school."

"Isn't that Hagrid's job?" Sirius asked, but he was distracted and did not hear James answer his question.

"Can I write some?" Sirius asked, waving a piece of parchment around while he still stared at the Snape one.

James was silent. After all, this was his thing, wasn't it? But then, Sirius could make a few funny ones, given a good subject.

"Why not?" James shrugged.

"Good." Sirius grinned. He handed the parchment back to James and added, "Because I have a great idea. A special piece, if you will, about the Slytherins..."


	9. Sirius Writes

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 9: Sirius Writes

Sirius was settled at the Gryffindor table one nice, cloudless Saturday morning. He was trying to think of what he could do on his little special Slytherin paper. And when to start. He always had a group of people nearby. And James had stressed that this stay as quiet as possible.

Of course, when was Sirius the type to keep anything funny quiet?

Instead of dwelling, he rested his chin in his hand and eyed the Slytherin table. There was a lot to be said. Just, could he say it all?

And, if it was seen, how much trouble would he be in?

But since when did Sirius care about getting in trouble?

Ah, well. Once he was through with breakfast, he headed upstairs, grabbed his bag, and raced onto the grounds. Settling down under a beech tree, he spread some parchment over his knees and unscrewed the top on his ink pot.

**I noticed James gives a title to his little bits of humor. I, however, am probably going to wind up just doing this one piece. Maybe another later. If James lets me. **

**Where to start with the Slytherin gits? They're annoying, seem to hate sunlight, and attack at random. That's them in a nutshell, I suppose. But I guess I need to go into more detail for this to work. Where to start?**

**I guess the sunlight bit. They lurk in dungeons. Or at least I'm pretty certain that's where their Common Room is. The only times you really see them outside is during Quidditch matches. Any other time they're outside, they usually settle in the shade.**

**  
They must burn easily. Gives me an idea. But I must save that for later.**

**And some of them seem to be allergic to water. I swear, some of them don't bathe. I'd bet money on that. If you have any to bet with me. **

**Especially Snivellus. I swear, his hair looks as though it hasn't touched by water in his entire life. But who can blame him? With that big nose, he'd probably just sink. **

**Speaking of sinking, I'm not entirely sure the Slytherins can swim. James and I tried an experiment once. Flooded the dungeons, you see. McGonagall and even Dumbledore didn't seem too pleased. **

**Personally, a few drowned gits wouldn't do this school any harm. To me anyway.**

**Sad to say, I'm related to one of them. But he, like a lot of them, tends to stay in a group. And it's not a "you scratch our back, we'll scratch yours" kind of group. It's a "if you're in trouble, I don't know you" kind of group. **

**I wouldn't call them brave. They save their own skins. And they're up to their eyebrows in the Dark Arts. Not all of them can be purebloods. But I'm sure a lot of them would lie just to get in the ranks with Voldemort and his Dead Munchers. **

**Well I think that sounds a bit better than Death Eaters. **

**But I'm getting off track.**

Sirius paused, his quill nearly touching the parchment. He had written nonstop. And covered a lot of bases. But he knew there was more. He just need a bit of time to think of how to word it.

**Sneaking cowards, the lot of them. They'll attack, yes. But only when your guard is down. And Muggleborns happen to be their favorite targets. **

**If Slytherins, and an aunt of mine, had it their way, Muggle and Muggleborn Hunting would be a wizarding sport. But I think the Minister has some brains. And won't allow it.**

**But think if one of them became Minister! I've never thought of a Slytherin as a leader. It can't happen. They're too ready to save themselves if anything goes bad.**

Sirius was sure he had mentioned that. But it seemed to go along well enough.

Stretching, he cracked his knuckles and wondered what else there was to add. He felt he had covered everything. But then there was that nagging thought in his mind that something was missing.

But by then, his legs were asleep. He waved the parchment in hopes of quickly drying the ink and stuck it in his bag. He'd show it to James after he finished Quidditch practice. If there was something missing, James would know and he'd add it in.

As he headed back to the castle, Sirius smiled. That was actually fun! Maybe James would let him write another later on.


	10. dot dot dot

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: This is just meant to be a silly chapter. There's no one really in mind that's going to be done. I've been sick and I've got no push to write anything.

Chapter 10: ...

"So James," Sirius began as he and James settled down in the back of the Charms classroom, "had anything in mind?"

"For?" James asked, cocking his head to the side and watching Sirius.

"Your little note thingies."

"Oh that."

Sirius looked at James, slightly confused. "Oh that?" he asked. "Not having any fun anymore?"

James shrugged. "I just can't think of anything." he said. 

"Well, let's change that."

Oblivious to Flitwick and the rest of the class, Sirius pulled some parchment out of his bag, took out his quill and began to write nonsense.

**This would be Sirius Black here, trying to get my best mate out of a bored streak. Boring class, boring classmates, who wouldn't be bored?**

_You of course._

**Yes, James. I am incapable of boredom. No, wait... that's not entirely true, I suppose. I guess I can find something to do even in the most boring of situations.**

_That you can. Whether or not that's a good trait, I can't say._

**I can! It's wonderful. In fact, I do think I've started to cheer you up.**

It was true. James had started to smile slightly. Only slightly, but it was better than nothing, Sirius thought.

_So, what exactly is the point to this, besides us failing a Charms class? And to cheer me up?_

**To get you back in the writing mood, Prongs. You've started something and you're going to have to finish it. I cannot write about every inhabitant of Hogwarts on my own, now can I?**

**I mean, OK, it'll be fun poking fun at Flitwick. 'Shorter than even the firsties, old Flitwick isn't too hard on students. The most he's given is lines. Lines!'**

_Brilliant. You should do Flitwick's paper. I, however, think Lily Evans is more my line._

**And your line would be something like "Gorgeous red hair and an attitude to match doesn't make me want to stray away" or something like that, wouldn't it?**

_Ha. Ha. Very funny. I could do you a nice story, as well. 'I dated every female in the castle before my seventh year. Now I'm getting so bored with them all. I guess looking at myself in a mirror will have to do until I get out of school.'_

**Hey! I'm no narcissist! I think that would be you, Potter. I don't muss my hair to make it look like I've gotten off my broom.**

**Though I've always thought you did that to look like you had a nice shag.**

_I never thought of it that way. Leave it to you, Sirius, to bring that up._

_Anywho, let's get off this. Why don't you take up a piece on me and I'll take one up on you._

**Maybe later. We've got so many people, and ghosts, to write about beforehand. I think Nearly Headless Nick is calling you to write about him next.**

_And Hagrid wants you to write his._

By then, Sirius and James were both grinning broadly. Too bad, though, Flitwick was passing by and noticed that they hadn't even pulled out their wands and gave them lines, to be turned in by the end of the day.

Which wasn't so bad, seeing as how James was back in his writing mood.


	11. Gentle Half Giant

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: How about another special later on, about a trip to Hogsmeade and what there is to see and do?

Chapter 11: The Gentle Half-Giant

**Sirius Black again, chosen to write about Hagrid. With my dear friend Prongs reading everything I write over my shoulder. How rude. **

**Ow! Jab me with your quill why don't you? I'm writing as fast as I can!**

James and Sirius were seated in the Common Room late one Saturday. Both were bored, had finished their homework, and James had convinced Sirius to write about Hagrid.

He decided he would write about Nearly Headless Nick next, but he could only do it as soon as he figured out how to not run the risk of a ghost seeing what he had written.

James glanced over Sirius's shoulder to see what he had written besides his little introduction.

**Hagrid seems to be a bit of a mystery, doesn't he? I mean, why is he so big?**

You hear some rumours, like he got in the way of a bad Engorgement Charm when he was little. But come on! The only reasonable answer is he's part giant. Or part troll. And even though Hagrid is kind of, you know, dim, I think it's the giant.

**OK, so maybe dim is putting it mildly. It's not his fault he was expelled. I think.**

**And besides, he's pretty smart when it comes to animals. He's done quite a decent job of taking care of them. And most seem to like him, too.**

James smiled faintly at Sirius's sappy writing. He seemed to favor Hagrid as James did Dumbledore.

At least James thought he favored Hagrid. Maybe Sirius was in a very rare, very kind mood.

You could never be too sure with Sirius.

**Anywho, Hagrid's big. Hagrid likes animals. And Hagrid probably goes to a lot of lengths. Like, illegal things.**

**I mean, come on. He's got to have his broken wand somewhere around his place. And who knows what he'd do to get his hands on a dragon? He loves dragons for some reason.**

**Never mind the fact that they're probably the most random, untrainable creature out there.**

**And yeah, Hagrid may be intimidating. Mostly due to his size. But he's a pretty OK chap, once you get to know him.**

**Shame not too many people want to get to know him. **

James noticed that now Sirius was looking at him, as though expecting something.

"What?" James asked.

"What else is there to say?" Sirius asked, shrugging his shoulders slightly. "I covered everything, right?"

"I suppose so." James said slowly. He wondered vaguely if spending a bit more time with Hagrid would help Sirius with writing, but Sirius probably wouldn't want to do that then and there.

"And even if you haven't," he added, "go by the old "we'll add what we forget" motto of mine."

Sirius grinned and rolled the parchment up, handing it to James with a flourish. "I cannot wait to see what you say about me."

"Well, you'll just have to learn to become patient." James told him. "Like I said, we'll save those for last."

"OK, OK." Sirius muttered. As the two headed upstairs for bed, he thought that, given anyone else, he was sure he could do a decent job. Hagrid had proven tougher than he had realized.

Then he grinned. He could not wait to do James's piece. He might have to be sneaky and go behind his back to do it. And if James objected? Well, maybe he'd have to slip Remus the bit James had written about him and see what Remus would have to say about all this.


	12. Nearly?

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 11: Nearly?

James leaned back in his seat. He wasn't too sure where a good place to write this would be, but he did not care. In fact, maybe a little ghostly intrusion would do him some mind.

It would be like an interview. Though the interviewee would have no idea that they were, in fact, being made fun of.

But that would probably be saved for another day. Another day filled with making fun of unsuspecting subjects.

Unless they wound up like Dumbledore. Which would most likely be Lily's case, if James could bring himself to write of her.

He shook his head. Clearing his mind, he unscrewed his ink bottle and dipped his quill in before pausing only slightly. Then he started.

_Nearly headless. Something I've wondered about a lot. How exactly is that possible? _

_  
Well, do you really want to know? Do you? If you're squeamish, then I suppose you probably don't, right?_

Well, if you aren't, and you do want to know, ask the resident Gryffindor ghost, Nearly Headless Nick. That's right. He's not-quite-headless-but-almost-there.

_Only an inch or so, and he'd be fully headless._

_Basically, Nick is very transparent. A very bad liar, as you can see right through him. And I am not at my prime for jokes, I see. _

_Nick is always, well almost always, wearing this hideous ruff. I don't see why. It doesn't hide the fact that his head is being held on by the teeniest of skin. _

_And he's very forgetful. At least to the fact that he's a ghost. He constantly reaches through students to get to others and sometimes has passed through students._

_It's not a very nice feeling, you know. If you haven't gone through a ghost, try to make it a habit to keep enough distance between you and one. _

James paused. He tapped the end of his quill against his chin. Nearly Headless Nick wasn't too hard. But then he felt he hadn't put in enough. He needed a stretch and fast. And that's when he got it.

_Nick is very prone to anger. He takes offense quite easily. It's not the best idea in the world to go up to him and ask "Hey, how's the neck?" or something to that nature. Even if he doesn't really have that much neck left._

_Neck puns and headless talk tends to make him a bit huffy. And eventually, he will leave in a huff._

_Also dead and ghost comments. Those don't tend to go over very well with him._

_  
The rest of the ghostly community, they seem to take it OK. Besides the Bloody Baron but that is another story entirely._

James paused, a bit pleased with himself. But he also had an idea brewing. An idea that may or may not go over so very well with Sirius.

He straightened the parchment and at the very bottom he wrote:

_Stay sharp and look forward to Sirius writing a loving piece on his baby brother._


	13. Do I Have To Write About That?

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: OK, this might not fit along with Reggie. But I have my own image of him. And I have a fic idea I've wanted to do with him but I don't think I ever will wind up doing it. And yes, I do have a soft spot for him, even though we don't really know him.

Chapter 13: Do I Have To Write About... That?

**I cannot believe I was shifted into writing about... that thing I'm related to. I'd really much rather forget about him. But it's very hard when it's all my parents talk about.**

**I might as well say what that "it" is, shouldn't I? Well that "it" would be my younger brother Regulus. **

Sirius let out a silent groan and stared at the parchment in front of him. It was definitely not his choice to write about Regulus. In fact, he would much rather pretend his younger brother did not exist, as he had already stated.

But he very well could not. But it was going to be quite the pain to bring himself to write of his younger brother, even in a comedic way.

**The perfect child. To my parents that is. In Slytherin, up to his nose in the Dark Arts like the majority of them. And a hatred towards Muggleborns that I have actually yet to see. But my parents think is there.**

**Little twit.**

**He sticks in his little group, led by our lovely cousin Bellatrix. But he also tends to stick to the side when they actually torment the Muggleborns around here.**

**Coward.**

Sirius put his quill down and scowled. So far this had not been so comedic. More so, it had been his thoughts on his brother.

Ah well. James had not specified what he was supposed to write. And being funny when it came to his brother was probably impossible as Regulus most likely would not know anything humorous if it bit him on the nose.

Sirius smiled softly to himself. James was going to get something alright. Something that he most likely would not like and not put with the rest of their papers.

**He seems like those puppies you see. The ones that have been put down so much and yet yearn for human interaction that they'll take whatever owner picks them.**

**Or better yet, he's a puppet. Pure and simple. He has no mind of his own. Or at least he seems to lack the ability to use his own mind.**

**Besides the one time he let it slip that I fancy a Muggleborn to our parents. Now that was not funny in the least.**

**Come to think of it, I still haven't hexed him for that. I need to do that one of these days.**

**If I can ever catch him alone. He's smart enough to stick in a group, I'll give him that.**

**Huh. I actually said something in his favor. When he's never done anything in mine. Am I getting soft?**

**No of course not!**

**I've never seen him use magic, so I can't speak for his intelligence. He doesn't play Quidditch so I can't speak for that either.**

**The only time I really get to see him is in the library. And he's always sneaking into the Restricted Section of the library. I wonder why? Unless someone has talked him into going in there for them to get something.**

**All in all, I can say this about that thing that my, ahem, parents, call my brother: he's a "perfect" little cowardly gentleman who has the mind of a felt child's toy.**

Sirius straightened up his parchment and smirked. He thought of a copying spell and sending a copy to his parents and to his brother, but decided against it. He folded it and tucked it away safely for James while thinking of who they could write about next.


	14. The Elves Are Upon Us!

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 14: The Elves Are Upon Us!

Sirius and James were under the Invisibility Cloak, making their way to the kitchens. It just so happened that an extreme wave of hunger had hit them in the middle of the afternoon, one that needed to be tended to.

And no one they knew had anything to eat.

After quietly making their way to the kitchens, Sirius and James peeled off the cloak and dashed inside, where at least a half dozen House Elves flocked to them.

"You know," James began, taking a cake and biting into it, "this would be excellent."

"What would be excellent?" Sirius asked, pausing with a cake of his own halfway to his mouth.

James, mouth full, gestured to the eagerly bowing House Elves.

"Wha bou 'em?" Sirius asked with his own mouth full.

James made a gesture of writing something, which Sirius immediately got. After loading up on sweets, Sirius and James gave the elves a muffled thanks and hurried out of the kitchen, scrambling to get the cloak on.

They ran into nothing and no one on the way back to the Common Room. Once they managed to get the cloak off without anyone seeing, James reached over, snagged a piece of parchment from Lily Evans, and grinned.

She glared at him but said nothing as she returned to her essay with a swish of her red hair.

"I've got to write that." James said, pointing a finger at Lily, who thankfully did not hear him.

"House Elves, first!" Sirius said, pulling the parchment towards himself.

**What's small, annoying, and has a squeak? No, it's not Peter Pettigrew. It's a House Elf. And they live in the Hogwarts kitchen!**

_I highly doubt they live in the kitchens, Sirius. I'm sure they have their own quarters. Or a dorm room type thing._

**Whatever you say, James. That doesn't stop them from being annoying. But now I think of it, do House Elves even sleep? I mean, they stay up all day, cooking and cleaning. And during the night, who cleans the Common Rooms and castle?**

_Well, it IS Filch's job, I believe._

**Do you see him doing it?**

_No... usually he's trying to round up wrong-doers. _

**Us.**

_Right._

**Well we are getting off the subject at hand. Those small, annoying things that live in the kitchen. Excuse me, work in the kitchen.**

_But don't you have some at your place? How can you think them annoying?_

**Ours get in my business, thank you parents telling them to. And they are annoying. "Can I get you this, Master?" "Or this, Miss?" "Wouldst thou liketh me to chew your food, madam?"**

_Since when do House Elves talk in Olde English?_

**Who knows? I'm expecting it any day myself. But we are getting off the subject. They're annoying, I've said that already. They live to serve -- **

_and serve to live._

**Indeed. I just wish something could be done for that horrible squeaky way of talking. It's so annoying!**

_Come now. I'm sure you've heard worse._

**My mother, yes. THAT'S awful. But get a gaggle of House Elves together and it rivals it.**

_Gaggle? I thought they came in flocks. Or packs. _

**Whatever! That's not the issue here.**

_I think you've forgotten the point._

**I think I have too.**

And unfortunately, the parchement Lily had "given" them was too short to continue. James sighed. "Looks like we'll have to finish this later."

"Looks like it." Sirius said. He didn't think they had even started anything. It was just a humorous bit on House Elves. And after all, wasn't humor the reason for doing it?


	15. What Lurks in the Loo?

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 15: What Lurks in the Loo?

James and Sirius sat settled in the Common Room that evening. They had nothing to do besides homework. And they did not plan on doing that just then.

And just then, the sound of two girls' voices reached their ears. From the sound of it, the girls were only in first or second year.

"I hate going in there." the first one was saying. She let out a heavy and and slammed the book she was holding. "But really, you can sort of be assured of privacy. No one goes in there. It's not so bad, unless she floods it or something."

"Personally, I find it hard to concentrate with all that wailing." her friend said.

"You have to concentrate in the loo?" the first voice asked.

James wasn't quite sure about concentration in the bathroom, but the girls had given him an idea. He pulled out a bit of parchment and began to write, with Sirius leaning over his shoulder.

_The bane of girls in the entire castle. Hmm, now what could that be? Besides one Sirius Black, of course._

Behind him, Sirius scowled. But as he had no quill with him, and James was not about to let him snatch the one he had, he could not say anything about it.

He'd get him later.

_Why, that would be Moaning Myrtle. She haunts one of the girls' bathrooms and is constantly whining and crying and moaning. Which means she usually floods the bathroom, leaving it generally out of order._

_Most girls know better to go in there. But some just don't seem to learn._

_Personally, I think Myrtle is a bit of a peeping tom, if you will. I know for a fact that she sneaks into the Prefect's bathroom and watches._

Behind him, James heard Sirius snicker. He made a swipe at Sirius, but missed. Scowling, he continued to write, trying his best to ignore Sirius.

_I would like to think of her as being a little off. I mean, why would anyone haunt a bathroom? A bathroom, for goodness's sake!_

_Unless one was a pervert, of course. That goes back to my last point, but let's get off this, shall we?_

_Myrtle, like Nearly Headless Nick, is quite sensitive. Even if you aren't talking about her, or if you do try to say something nice about her, which is very hard, by the way, she takes it the wrong way. She seems to think that everyone is against her._

_And she's probably right. I'm not a huge fan of hers, thank you._

_But I suppose some people try to be friendly towards her. I guess they have the hope of getting her to stop flooding the loo._

_Like the House Elves, she tends to squeak a bit. Probably because she seems to be close to tears no matter what. _

_Frankly, all that can be said is to stay away from Myrtle, unless one is, or wishes to be, deaf._

James had decided to wrap it up there. He had to admit, not much was known of Myrtle. Or at least, there wasn't much to go by. Maybe it was time to enlist some people, perhaps one of the girls, to help him with things. Of course, the person, or persons, would have to be carefully picked.

He did not need anyone getting suspicious.

"So," Sirius began, watching James roll up his parchment, "how do you know Myrtle peeks in the Prefect's bathroom?"

"I'd rather not go into that." James said quickly.


	16. An Exclusive Look At Detentions

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 16: An Exclusive Look At Detentions

James Potter and Sirius Black were stuck. In detention, that is.

Granted, it was just lines. But still. The point was that they were in detention. And for once it was because of something they had not done!

James sighed as he copied _Making your fellow classmate believe he is a hummingbird is not amusing._

They could come up with something better than a hummingbird! But there they were, trapped in detention.

He glanced over at Sirius, who was writing away with ease. Curious, James leaned over to read what he had written.

**Detentions have got to be one of the most cruel, if not unusual, punishments invented. They are boring and serve no point in teaching us right from wrong. All it does is keep us holed up in one room for hours at a time. **

**It is hard to determine which detention is the worse to be stuck with. Cleaning the bedpans in the Hospital Wing, no magic, ranks up there with polishing the trophies for me.**

**Of course, having Filch breathe down your neck and point out the tiniest of flaw in whatever you do is enough to make anything horrid.**

**But writing lines? LINES?! What on earth can be more dull than copying the same sentence over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over --**

James politely reached over and snatched the parchment from Sirius. On it, he wrote:

_Either you've taken to repeating yourself or you are quite bored in here. And I can think of things more dull and boring than writing lines._

**Oh? Like?**

_Like straightening the library. Like listening to Dumbledore drone on and on at the beginning of each year. Like my father --_

Sirius snatched the parchment from James before James could finish his sentence.

**Nothing could be more boring than your father, Prongs. No offense meant. He just doesn't know when to stop rambling!**

_None taken. Trust me, I know how he gets. Even if you tell him to stop, he won't. But I do believe we're getting off the subject here._

**Ah yes, boring detentions and how they bore us. Or disgusting detentions and how they disgust us. **

**The good thing about detentions are... well, there's nothing really good about there, are there? I mean, yes they get you out of time otherwise spent with homework, pranking, your time with flirting with Evans.**

**But you don't get an extension on your homework. The prank time is gone. And Evans will never notice you, mate.**

_Hey! I take offense to that! She will. Just give her time._

_Anyway, detention. Punishment, or loss of brain cells? You decide. I know I'm gaining NOTHING by repeating myself besides a cramp in my hand. What are the teachers thinking, really?_

**They want us to fail? Or think maybe that repeat writing will subdue us into doing whatever they say?**

_Who knows?_

**Who cares? Detentions are boring and dreadful. And that is that.**


	17. Sluggy

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: Phew, running out of ideas for this one. Any suggestions?

Chapter 17: Sluggy

James sat, bored to death, in the dungeons. Potions wasn't exactly one of his favorite subjects, but he did manage to get by. Unless he was partnered with Peter. But today, they were working on their own potions.

And he was quite bored, letting his simmer for fifteen minutes. Absently, he pulled out a piece of parchment and began to write.

_This has got to be one of the most useless classes in school. How many of us will actually be using Potions in our lifetime? I know I, for one, will be as lazy as I can possibly be and buy them ready-made._

_But I guess I've got to give it to 'Ol Sluggy. He tries to make things interesting._

_But I know I'm just not interested._

_Well, actually, I am interested in one thing: How on earth does Sluggy get around in here with that big belly of his? I'm always expecting to hear some kind of clatter and have a half-made potion seeming into my shoes when he passes dangerously close by._

_And Sluggy clearly picks his favorites. He dotes on Lily all the time._

**Don't be jealous Prongs.**

_Who asked you? Go stir in your beetles, Padfoot._

_Anyway, back to Sluggy. He picks his favorites, which really isn't quite fair of professors. They aren't supposed to play favorites. McGonagall surely doesn't._

_But I guess Sluggy is an exception to the rules. He and Dumbles seems to go way back. And I guess I can't argue with that. Who would want to anyway?_

_Sluggy likes his comfort. Always eating crystalized pineapples. I'm sure his fingers are permanently coated with the stuff._

_And velvet. I've been in his study. It's covered in velvet. Feels pretty good, actually. I think I might have to get a velvet bedspread for my bed when I move out._

_  
But I'm getting off the subject. Sluggy likes his luxury. But he also knows his stuff. He's a pretty decent teacher even if he DOES pick favorites._

_And no I'm not mad he's not picked me. I think class periods with him are enough._

_But the things I've heard about him, well, he'd save himself faster than he would any of his little group. Sure he might help them along, but he always makes sure there's something for him in it, too._

_Better finish this off as my potion has just about come to a boil. Sluggy is a decent teacher but that is that. Not good, not bad. Just in between._

James folded his parchment and passed it to Sirius to read, keeping his eye on Slughorn. Beside him, he heard Sirius snicker. Remus glanced at the two of them before he began stirring his potion.

'Those two,' Remus thought, shaking his head, 'whatever they're up to, I don't want to be involved with it.'

James smiled innocently at Remus and went on with his Potions. Remus made sure he wasn't going to ask any questions. That innocent look always meant something not-so-innocent.


	18. Annoying Squeaker

James Potter, Nature Expert

Notes: I have had like zero ideas for this. I'm sorry.

Chapter 18: Annoying Squeaker

James was settled down at a table in the Common Room after a late Quidditch practice. He was feeling kind of sleepy, but wanted to do something before falling asleep.

And that something was not homework. But it did involve writing.

He pulled parchment, quill, and ink towards him. He dipped the quill in the ink and began to write.

_The Annoying Squeak_

_I don't know which one is more annoying: a gaggle of House Elves, or Peter Pettigrew. And since I covered the Elves already, I might as well cover Peter._

_Or Wormtail as we call him._

_Now Wormtail is a bit of a coward. He tends to like to hide around myself and Sirius, since we seem to be able to protect him. Like we want to._

_He's not very bright. Or if he is, he's hiding it very well. _

_And he seems to think everything Sirius and I do is very impressive. It's for good for the ego, but extremely annoying after a while. It drives Sirius mad and he usually winds up snapping at Wormtail._

_The good thing about having Peter around is he can take the blame for some things. And he never argues with it. I guess he's afraid of Sirius and myself._

_Even though we have never hexed him. I've been tempted to practice on him, I'm sure he'd jump at the chance, but I've never done it before. I might have to one of these days, though._

_Who knows? It might be enjoyable._

_But back to the matter at hand. Peter Pettigrew is a sniveling little coward who would save his own skin had he any courage. But thankfully, he doesn't. _

_He does have his uses though. Using Peter is extremely effective when we try to sneak out of the castle. What am I saying, 'try'? We always succeed._

_I don't know what else there is to say about Peter. I believe I covered everything, without going into too much detail. But I'm too tired now._

James put down is quill and rubbed his eyes sleepily. He knew that his little paper on Wormtail was not long or too detailed, but he was too tired then to do anything about it.

He rolled it up and tucked it away. Maybe he could ask Sirius about it in the morning. Sirius would be sure of what else to add. Of that, James was sure.

And maybe Sirius could give him more ideas as to what to write about.


	19. The Lovely Lily

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: Well, the chapter you've all been waiting for. Even though I couldn't give it a proper title. And some people might be mad because of it, expecting James when it's Sirius being oh-so-serious. Not!

Chapter 19: The Lovely Lily

While James was scribbling away at a quick chapter on Peter, Sirius had other plans. He settled down where no one would could sneak up on him and catch him in the act. He stretched out his parchment, dipped his quill into the ink, and began to write.

**Ah, if only James could see this! But I am thinking of tearing this up and burning it when I'm done. He'd hex me to a million pieces if he sees this!**

**But it's for my enjoyment, so I won't think of that.**

**Where to begin? With Lily, there's never really a proper place, but I'll try my very best to find one.**

**Ah, yes. She's a stickler for the rules. If you do not toe the line, you're in for a long-winded, I'm-so-much-better-than-you-because-I-follow-rules argument. One that you are never able to get a word in in your defense.**

**And no one wants to be on a receiving end of a Lily Evans tongue lashing. Besides Potter. He seems to enjoy them, no matter how insulting she gets.**

**It's somewhat pathetic to see her insult him and him take it. Foul temptress. She's messed with his mind, I tell you! I wouldn't put it past the little potions mistress to slip something in his morning pumpkin juice.**

**Poor James. I doubt he ever had a chance.**

**But before I ramble on that, I have to get back to the subject at hand. Lily Evans. She's popular. She does have that going for her. She's a brilliant student. As I said, good with potions.**

**  
I had to fit something good in here, otherwise James would kill me if he read this and all I said was rambling conspiracy theories.**

**Another thing, Lily seems to despise Quidditch. She thinks it's 'barbaric and cruel'. And yet, she seems to be the only person who thinks of it that way. As a Muggleborn, you'd probably expect that.**

**  
But then, you'd expect her to get used to it after a few matches.**

**But no, royal queen Lily must have her way. Or try to. She's even asked Dumbledore to try to ban the sport.**

**She knows what she wants, at least. **

**Or so you would think. Personally, I find it obvious she fancies James. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who sees this. But Evans doesn't.**

**Or she does and does not want to fancy James. But then, I would think she would try to find some potion to aid her in her quest to rid the school of Quidditch and players like James.**

**And I think that's enough of this. I could go on and on and on and on about Lily Evans, but I do think I need to end this, since James seems to be heading my way.**

Sirius quickly rolled the parchment up and tucked it away just as James plopped down in front of him. Silently, he handed the parchment about Peter to Sirius to read.

By the end of it, Sirius was smirking. "If you showed this to him," Sirius said, waving the parchment around, "he'd probably wet himself from the excitement of you writing something about him. Even if it is insulting."

James rolled it up and tucked it in his pocket. "That he would." he muttered "Though, I think we're running dry. There's no people I could think of to write about."

"But there is an animal." Sirius smirked. "And the ghosts, right? We can work on them too. Then, though, we probably will have to rack our brains."


	20. I Hate Cats

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: Ah, someone remind me to do a Giant Squid chapter. And yes, I know Sirius gets along with Crookshanks later, but I've never seen him as much of a cat person.

Chapter 20: I Hate Cats

Sirius and James stared at the small wooden box n the floor in front of them. It was yowling and spitting in rage, and shaking. Sirius was trying his best to keep a straight face. Especially when he asked, "Are you sure this is the best way to observe her?"

"Filch won't miss her." James replied. "And we won't have her long."

"We'll I'm not taking her out of there." Sirius said.

"Me either." James said. He had an idea. Pointing his wand at the boxed cat, he levitated the box a few feet in front of him. And thankfully they did not run into anyone as they ducked into an unlocked classroom. As Sirius locked the door, James sent the box crashing to the floor with a clatter. It broke and the angry cat was released.

Mrs. Norris growled at them, her fur standing up in all directions.

"She looks downright pleased, doesn't she?" Sirius asked, spreading a roll of parchment out on the desk as James kept his eyes on the cat.

"Ecstatic!" James agreed. Though he still kept an eye on her. He did not need the cat jumping and attacking him or Sirius.

Sirius was to write, James was to watch the cat.

**What is the most hideous of creatures roaming the halls of Hogwarts? No, it's not Snape. But it's downright close.**

**It's Mrs. Norris, Wheezing Filch's cat! She's this hideous colour, She looks like she rolled around in a pile of dust and dirt.**

**And she's scraggly. But you know Filch feeds her. He loves that cat. I swear, the two will announce their engagement any day now.**

**We all hate the cat. It somehow has the magical ability to know that someone, namely me and Potter, is doing something bad.**

**  
And she also manages to convey to Filch that we are doing such. Telepathy? Sign language? Filch has learned to understand meowing?**

No one knows. It shall forever be a mystery.

**But no one also cares. I guess our anger at the cat manages to get in the way of any curiosity about her.**

He looked up at James and Mrs. Norris. Mrs. Norris was swishing her tail and letting out low growling noises. This would obviously get back to Filch.

"Don't forget," James reminded him, "she hates dogs." James tipped him an enormous wink.

**But we have learned that Mrs. Norris hates dogs. How? Well, by transforming into a dog and chasing her around the school for about a half hour.**

**I swear, I've never had so much fun. That was so much better than locking her up in a suit or armor or slamming her tail in a door and swearing up and down that I did not see her.**

**I did.**

**Can't you tell? I loathe cats. Especially James's cat. It's fat and useless.**

**But I'm getting off the subject. Mrs. Norris is just... odd. There's no other way to describe her. Sometimes I think she isn't really a cat at all.**

A loud yowling noise and James swearing jarred Sirius from his writing. Shaking his head, Sirius watched James trying to wrestle with the cat. A flick of his wand and the two were drenched.

Mrs. Norris hissed and ran up under a nearby desk, growling and glaring at them. James shook his dripping hair out of his face and grinned.

"We are going to be skinned, you realize this don't you?"

"Not if Filch doesn't find out who did it. I suggest we run. And fast. And hide in the Common Room. He can't really prove it was us that way."

"Agreed."

And so, James and Sirius hide safely in the Common Room for the rest of the day. And spend most of the time listing who they had and had not covered.


	21. Giant Squid!

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: I need to cheer myself up. So, squiddy time!

Chapter 21: Giant Squid!

James and Sirius were settled under their beech tree by the lake. Remus was inside the castle, in the Hospital Wing, so they did not have him to worry about.

And Peter, well, Peter was taking the fall for them yet again. He was probably up to his eyebrows in trophies that needed to be polished.

And he had Wheezing Filch breathing down his neck.

James leaned back against the tree and shut his eyes. But something snapped him out of his daydream. The sound of a quill scratching against parchment.

He blinked the sun out of his eyes and leaned over to read what Sirius was writing.

**What is the most useless creature at Hogwarts? Well, that's arguable. But to me, it's the Giant Squid. The only thing it does is live in the lake. And that's it.**

**It's not even menacing! I mean, really! When you think of Giant Squid I'm sure you think of some large, terrible beastie!**

**But right now, the squid is just floating around the lake, bored. If squids can be bored.**

**Can they? Who knows.**

**But I'm sure if you put it in History of Magic, it would be bored to death. Or just dead from lack of water. Or squished. I doubt it could fit into the school doors much less a classroom.**

**  
We should bring Binns out here, let him teach to the squid. See what happens.**

**You know, now that I sit here and think about it, the squid doesn't even act... squiddy. If that's a word. I mean, sure it lives in water and it floats around and has tentacles and whatnot.**

**But I have yet to see it shoot ink at anyone. Or hide from people. In fact, the squid seems to be a people person. Or, rather, people squid.**

**In fact, I'd love to see it eat someone. It's a cross between Wormtail, Snape, and Evans. And I'm going to ignore that look James is giving me. I've gotten engrossed in writing this and nothing will make me stop.**

**I don't think squids eat people though. Shame.**

**I wonder, is the squid really a squid? I mean, is it a Squib? An Animagus Squib? Like Filch! He could turn into a squid and hang around in the water when he has nothing to clean.**

**It's far-fetched, I believe. I don't think a Squib could be an Animagus. But boy did Pettigrew fool me!  
**

Despite being mad at Sirius for the crack about Lily, James snickered. Peter had surprised him, too. But at that moment, as if the squid realized that they were making fun of it, it splashed by, drenching James, Sirius, and the parchment.

"Great!" Sirius groaned. He got to his feet and shook the parchment at the squid. "I stand by all of it! And I'm not rewriting it!"

He headed to the castle. He was sure he could save that piece if he dried it in time.

He had to! It was his favorite so far.


	22. Uhoh

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 22: Uh-oh...

"Or how about the Slytherin ghost? The Bloody Baron?" Sirius asked as he and James climbed up the stairs leading to their dorm.

"Maybe..." James said slowly. He wasn't too fond of the Slytherin ghost and did not want to spend his time observing it.

"Or a special, maybe? Quidditch?" Sirius asked. "Or how about each of the teams?"

By that time they had reached their dorm. And both of them were a bit surprised to see Remus there. He looked none too pleased, although Sirius thought he was just trying his best to not smile.

"Hey Moony." James said with a smile. "I thought you said you had to go to the library?"

"I forgot something." Remus answered. He pulled a stack of various sized parchment out of his robes and handed them to James. "And what is this?"

James gulped. He was hoping to hide these from Remus. Remus did not seem to have a sense of humor. After all, he wasn't looking very happy!

"These are, ah, studies." James said feigning a smile and tucking the parchment in his own robes. "Just studies. How much did you read?" he added, trying to look nonchalant.

"All."

James tried to smile but it did not seem convincing. "It was Sirius's idea!" he said quickly, knowing full well that one, it was not, and two his innocent act barely worked with Remus.

"Mine?" Sirius demanded. "I'm not a leader!"

Remus listened as the two of them bickered, shaking his head while he was at it. He did not care who had the bright idea to study things.

He was sure it was James's idea anyway.

"OK, OK, that's enough."

James and Sirius stopped arguing and turned to look at him. Each tried to smile, but when Remus rolled his eyes, they shuffled their feet awkwardly.

This was going to be the end of it, they were sure.

"I have one question." Remus began, drawing a piece of parchment from the pile on the floor. It had fallen out of James's robes while he and Sirius bickered.

"A librarian?" he asked.

James chuckled. "Well, you do always have your nose in a book. It seemed fitting, you know."

Remus sighed softly. But he figured he could let that slide. On one condition.

"I do not want to see any more of these about me." he said. "I realize you two are funny and just being humorous, but we don't mess with friends, right?"

Sirius and James both let out a sigh of relief. "Of course." James smiled. "We refuse to poke fun at friends."

'Unless they don't know about it.' he added silently.

After Remus grabbed his bag and headed back to the library, Sirius flopped down on his bed. "Thought we'd be in for it. Didn't you?" he asked James.

Sirius watched James hide the parchment in a much better hiding place. "Really, I did too." James agreed. "I think... I think in an odd way, Remus sort of gave us his blessing on this, though."

"He called us humorous." Sirius said with a grin. "That's a lot, coming from Moony."

James nodded in agreement. "What we need to decide now, though, is who next. Who or what, I mean." James added with a wink.


	23. Into the Forest!

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 23: Into the Forest!

The Forbidden Forest was not quite the idea place to write things down, James had come to realize. He and Sirius were tucked away in the cover of a shady bush.

And were also under his Invisibilty Cloak. They did not really want to be caught. Especially by what they were watching.

Centaurs. There were dozens of them. And they seemed oblivious to the two teenage boys hiding nearby.

James slowed pulled a roll of parchment, ink, and quill from his robes. Sirius was watching him with interest.

_Centaurs or Horsey-Men? That is the question._

**I think the Ministry wanted to call them that but they were quite offended. So they decided on centaurs.**

_They're a bit odd aren't they? I mean, there are so many of them. And I don't think I've ever heard of a female centaur. How do they make more?_

**I don't even want to think of that!**

_Me either. And what is interesting about them really? There are a few things I have wondered, but I don't believe that it is very interesting._

**Let's hear it.**

_For one, how do they keep their horse half all glossy and clean living in the forest? And how have they learned to make and use crossbows and arrows? I know they're not stupid but what do they make it from? Branches, bird feathers, and their own tail hairs?_

_And another thing, who exactly did they learn Astrology and predictions and their "star reading" from?_

**Some nutter who thinks that he or she knows Divination?**

_  
Seems right._

_So what have we covered so far?_

**That we're watching a bunch of halfbred, intelligent horse men? **

_Looks that way, doesn't it? Well, what can we say about them?_

Sirius glanced up at the centaurs. So far, they had not heard the scratching of the quill against the parchment or James and Sirius trying to stifle their laughter.

**That their hearing is not as good as they want to think that it is? I suppose they are good hunters, since they do have their crossbows and whatnot, but they haven't heard a sound that we have made. That says something, right?**

_Well we are trying to be quiet._

**True. Very true. **

_And they're very clean as I think I pointed out. And resourceful I think we can say. Peaceful?_

**I wouldn't quite say so. Our herd might be, but I've heard horror stories of centaur battles. Make one mad or go against the herd and you're in trouble.**

**It's kind of political, I suppose. They seem to have their favorite and enemies but they try to live peacefully.**

_Interesting. And do they offer rides?_

**I don't think so. I believe it's degrading to them.**

_Shame. I wanted to put Peter on one._

**I'd pay to see that!**

By then, the two boys were snickering. And trying their best to cover it up but they thought that they were making too much noise. As quietly as they could, they got to their feet and crept away from the clearing, pretty sure that the centaurs were none the wiser that they had been there.

When they were sure they were out of earshot, James burst into laughter. "That was enjoyable." he said. "How on earth are we going to top that?"

"We'll find a way." Sirius said with a grin.


	24. The Biggest Ego of Them All

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 24: The Biggest Ego of Them All

James was settled comfortably in the Common Room. He had just gotten back from Quidditch practice, had just showered, and was feeling quite sleepy.

But he also had a job to do. And how could he have overlooked this person to observe? It should have been a crime!

He inched some parchment closer to him, yawned, and began to write.

_I am going to write about the best person Hogwarts has ever seen. Charming, good looking, good sense of humor. And amazing Quidditch abilities._

_Now just who am I talking about?_

Me.

_What's not to love about me, hmm? I do have it all, don't I? _

_The world's best racing broom, an adorable elderly Kneazle, not to mention I'm not so bad to look at. Plus my parents are willing to give me whatever I want._

_  
The joys of being an only child._

_Not to mention I seem to have my own fan club. Composed exclusively of Peter Pettigrew. But the way he follows me around is more than enough to count for dozens of people._

_Frankly it gets on my nerves but I'd rather he follow me around like a dog than tell him off. Plus he does come in handy sometimes._

_Handy as in helping me get out of trouble!_

_I suppose you think it's cruel to put Peter on the spot like that, right? Well, I don't. I never feel bad about it. It gives him a use and he seems to be happy to take it._

_But no, I'm not so heartless. I'm not in Slytherin, am I?_

_I suppose my ego stems from being praised on the Quidditch Pitch. I just love the attention. And my natural talent helps a lot. If my children don't wind up being Quidditch stars, I think I'll be ashamed._

_An adorable little miniature version of me, playing Quidditch. What a wonderful thought!_

_I admit I do entertain myself with thoughts of my future every now and then. It passes the time. Especially in History of Magic, the worst subject ever. Second to potions. I LOATHE potions. Unless I get partnered up with Evans._

_That makes everything so much better._

_And you know, I don't think she can really resist the Potter charm. Oh she acts like she hates me, but does she really? I don't believe it. She may act hard to get but she seems to be letting up._

_She has only yelled at me about two dozen times this year. Which is a new record! _

_How wonderful. _

_Before my ego gets any bigger, I need to stop this. It was fun to write but in all, it's just a joke. But if Lily finds this, I think she'd hate me forever._

_No, I really do not believe she hates me. I really do think she fancies me. But she has to save face._

James smiled sleepily at his parchment. He found it to be fun to write. And he was just playing around. He'd have to show it to Sirius in the morning. Then, he was heading to bed, with a few ideas running in his head.


	25. BORING!

James Potter, Nature Expert

Note: God, you'd think people lived and breathed fanfiction the way these idiots have flamed me for a simple, silly fic. Doing this chapter to cheer myself up.

Chapter 25: BORING!

"Hey Prongs," Sirius began, settling down at the breakfast time, "I've had an idea."

"What would that be?" James asked innocently.

"Well, we make a report on each class. It's different, right?"

James nodded slowly. That might not be such a bad idea. They would start with the classes that they had that day and finish off with the classes that they did not have that day or did not take.

**Charms?**

_It's OK. Rather annoying, what with the flurry of activity. But at least you can talk, and write, freely. Unless you get hit by a frog, pillow, rubbish bin, and any and all items in the classroom that could fly right at you._

_Now you. Transfiguration?_

**It's OK, like Charms. There's a lot of active, wild movements and the threat of deadly assorted items and animals. But with McGonagall breathing down your neck, it's not enjoyable.**

**Potions?**

_They're fine and dandy. If you like being in a dank, hot dungeon. And having Slughorn waddling around, thinking he's the best thing to ever happen to the school._

_Astronomy._

**Best. Class. Ever. OK, not really but I can find good uses for those telescopes that does not include looking at the stars. And I have yet to be caught. I love Astronomy. Not for the star-gazing though. I see that pointless for most futures.**

**Speaking of seeing, what does Divination tell you?**

_Well Padfoot... in your future... I see... you eating food._

**Spot on!**

_Now let's see. Care of Magical Creatures._

**Well, I find it to be rather dangerous. But exciting nonetheless. And some of the creatures, they're pretty neat. Those unicorns, don't like them very much. Nifflers, those are neat. But only because one tried to eat Snape's arm. Makes you wonder how the poor thing didn't die straight off.**

**Study of Ancient Runes?**

_It's just a bunch of rocks! What a worthless class. Pity my mother wanted me to take it. But Evans is in there as well. So that's a plus._

**Any class with Lily Evans is a good class to you.**

_So? Come on, get back on task. Defense Against the Dark Arts?_

**Very smart class to teach around here. Especially in these times. But with that little grease ball Snape in there, they aren't so enjoyable.**

**Herbology?**

_Going back to Divination, I do NOT see plants in my future. Especially biting plants._

_History of Magic?_

**BORING!**

**Muggle Studies?**

_I wouldn't mind studying a Muggleborn, but why must we know about Muggles? I am so glad I refused that class._

_Arithmacy?_

**Not numbers. Anything but numbers!**

_Aw, I'll make sure you get a job dealing with just that. Now is that all?_

**I do think so. If not, well, we can add them later, right?**

_Right._

James rolled up the parchment and stuffed it into his robes, feeling somewhat tempted to show it to Remus and see what he thought. But for now, he'd keep it safe.


	26. Remus Lupin, Not Good With Nature

James Potter, Nature Expert

**Note: In case you didn't realize, Remus will be underlined. Felt the need to say that as this might be confusing now with three of them writing together.**

Chapter 26: Remus Lupin, Not Good With Nature

"Hey, Remus," James began innocently. Remus glanced up from a copy of _The Daily Prophet _and realized that Sirius and James had something in mind for him. Sirius sat down on one side, James sat on his other side.

They did not seem to want to let him get away.

Remus let out a sigh and asked, "OK, what do you two want?"

"We want our crack werewolf expert, besides me of course, to help us with a little... paper."

This time, Remus groaned. "Why?"

"Because, it'll be fun."

"We could write a detailed report on the only dwelling in Britain that cannot be accessed..." Sirius trailed off, tipping a large wink to James over Remus's head.

"Let's do!"

James drew out his wand and a roll of parchment and settled it down in front of Remus. Remus looked at James as though he had sprouted another head. 

"Are you serious?" he asked.

"When am I not?" Sirius asked.

"No more puns." Remus groaned.

"I was being serious!"

Remus put his hands up in defeat. "OK, I'll write if it'll get you to stop!"

Now what it is that I'm supposed to be writing about? Werewolves or the Shrieking Shack?

_Shack. I can handle werewolves._

I was afraid of that. What is it that I should say about the shack, then?

**Come on, Moony! Only four of us have been inside. There's got to be something wildly interesting on the inside. Why else would people want to check it out?**

Because they think it's haunted by violent spirits due to the noises I make during a full moon. Thankfully Dumbledore made entirely sure that no one could see in or out.

_But we DID get out, remember? We've done it before, we'll do it again!_

Please don't bring that up. I'd rather not run wild in Hogsmeade anymore. No more late night chances at biting people for me.

But you did want me to address the shack. I do recall at one point, it being well furnished and clean. Now it's dingy, dirty, and the furniture has been chewed and torn to shred.

I wonder why?

**Violent ghosts!**

Violent me, maybe.

But back to the matter at hand so you'll let me go, the shack is much larger on the inside than the outside. I don't think anyone knows how to get inside. And really, I'm surprised small animals have not got through the entrance under the Whomping Willow.

Surely small rats and things can sneak in.

_We do know they can. But you've honestly never seen rats or anything inside? Besides the one we pal around with?_

No, never. Sometimes I wonder if people do know how to get inside. It might just be my wild werewolf imagination but sometimes it seems neater or straighter or something out place.

  
But what do I know? I only go in there once a month.

_Anything else you can think of to add about the shack?_

Not at all. Can I go now?

James nodded and rolled up his parchment. He watched Remus gather his paper and leave before leaning over next to Sirius and saying, "Well, I think he did a decent job. The shack isn't really the most important or descriptive thing to write about."

"He could have done better." Sirius said, shaking his head. "But will we get him to write more?"

"Of course!"


	27. Furry Little Problem

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 27: Furry Little Problem

James sat in his favorite spot in History of Magic, the desk in the back closest to the door. He was a bit surprised when he was joined, not by Sirius, but by Remus.

"You're looking great, Moony. Furry little problem keeping you awake?"

Remus sighed and nodded. "Though you know it keeps me up." he added in a whisper. "I can't sleep like that!"

James nodded turning his quill around between his fingers.

"Don't..." Remus whispered, watching the progress of James's quill. "Don't you even think of it!"

"I'm thinking of it..." James said with a smile. He pulled his parchment to himself and began to write.

_I'm going to write today about a problem plaguing our school. Or at least one student. And one greasy little git who has some strange obsession about it._

_The 'Furry Little Problem' we'll call it. Since I refer to it as that anyway. It affects the person once a month, turning them into a furry, horrid beastie._

Thanks a lot James.

_Hey! Special guest this week! It's Moony!_

_So, how does your furry little problem affect you?_

You know how it affects me. And I can't say I appreciate this. Would you please stop it?

_Not until you answer my interview! So, do you sprout toe fur?_

You know I do.

_And whiskers?_

But of course. What wolf doesn't have them?

_Ah! Furry problem, please, Mister Moony! What person affect by this problem doesn't, you mean._

Please get this over with!

_Do you have a tail?_

As do you.

_I'm not the one being questioned here. You've got a tail, toe fur, and whiskers. What could you be, sir?_

One very annoyed werewolf. Perhaps.

_Or a rabbit? Cat? Dog? Several animals have all three of those, you know. And if certain greasy git reads this, well, maybe we shouldn't say what we are, huh, Moony?_

With the way you and Padfoot keep these things safe, I'm not sure that will be a problem. But I think I might just burn this parchment when you are finished with.

_It's my homework! You can't do that!_

I can! It's just the matter of a simple wand movement. Now, finish your silly little questions.

_I've never heard you howl. Are you tempted to howl?_

I can't say I am. I know I growl and snarl a lot. But howling, I don't think I'm too tempted. Though I think I may have once or twice without either of you there.

_Right, right. How well do you manage this furry problem?_

As well as I can. It's not so very easy to manage at the moment. I suppose it's hormones.

James was trying his best not to snicker. Which seemed to be all the more the harder to do as he caught Remus trying to suppress his own little grin.

"You're having fun aren't you, Moony?" James whispered.

"I might be. Any more questions on your mind?

James thought for a moment, then he wrote:

_Do you find my drawing skills fantastic, Moony? Remember that were, ah, that furry little problem I drew on the board the other day in Defense Against the Dark Arts?_

Never draw anything again, James. You can draw Snitches fantastically but anything else, especially something with fur, it looks just horrid. Sorry to say.

_That's fine. Any closing thoughts?_

I'm hungry actually. It's lunch time. Let's go.

For the bell had just rang, signaling the end of the lesson. Remus was up on his feet and rushing out the door, trying not to laugh. James could make his "furry little problem" seem humorous at times. But he had his own little paper in mind. And he wasn't sure he wanted to share the idea with James just yet.


	28. Found?

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 28: Found?

Someone was walking down the halls of Hogwarts late at night. And that someone stumbled upon a piece of parchment that had been dropped, unknowingly, by one James Potter, self appointed Nature Expert of Hogwarts.

Bending, this person picked up the parchment on the floor and began to read.

_You know, there's something that's always bothered me about Hufflepuff. Well, a few things really. For one, their colours. Yellow and black. That's bumblebee colours, that is._

_And yet, their house animal is a badger. A BADGER!_

_The Hufflepuffs seem a bit meek to me. And badgers are not meek. In fact, I do believe badgers can be pretty dangerous._

_I don't get it. I mean with Ravenclaw, an eagle is intelligent. The Slytherins have that horrid sneaky serpent, and we have the courageous Gryffindor lion._

_So why a badger? Why? Did Helga Hufflepuff have a fondness for badgers?_

Come to think of it, I barely even remember Hufflepuff students are here. They don't go out of their way to make themselves noticed, do they? 

_They're not bad at Quidditch, but they are easy to beat. They tend to stick to themselves and they're rather quiet, not bothering to volunteer to answer anything in class._

_Come to think of it, I don't think I even know any of them by name!_

_That's... pretty terrible isn't it? To think of my own fellow students that way, to write this, and not even know their names! I can only recognize about a dozen by face! _

_That's horrid._

_So what do you think, parchment? Do you think I should try to befriend the Hufflepuffies? To help them come out of their shells, so to speak?_

_Or would the James Potter method be too much for the poor little bumblebees?_

Staring at the piece of parchment, Albus Dumbledore started to laugh. That did seem like a very James Potter sort of thing to write. Of course, he had known it was James's parchment just by the handwriting.

Dumbledore folded and pocketed the parchment. He was not sure if he should return it to James or not. After all, he did find it a bit amusing.

Vaguely wondering if James had written more, Dumbledore headed back to his study. He would return the parchment to James next time he came to his office for some form of punishment. That would be suitable.

And he would have to advise him not to write his name on things such as that! After all, what if it had been a Hufflepuff to find that?


	29. GreyT!

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 29: Grey-T!

_James Potter here. Stuck in boring old History of Magic. But I tell you what, I was hit with a sudden idea coming here. By myself for once._

_Moony, Padfoot, and Wormtail came a bit ahead of me, deciding that my sleeping through this class would be something to laugh about. I do it anyway but not in my own comfortable bed._

_Anyway, I'm getting off the subject here. I passed The Grey Lady on my way here. And she gave me an idea to write this._

_But then, what am I supposed to write? There's not much known about her!_

_She just floats around the school. Come to think of it, I've barely seen her with the other ghosts. No ghostly interaction going on there!_

_And I have yet to hear her speak. Did her vocal cords get ripped out in death? I mean come on! Neck's head is pretty much off and he can talk! It's not that hard, Lady!_

_She's the ghost of Ravenclaw. What else can I say? I can't think of anything! I wonder if Binns knows anything about her?_

On second thought, he'd probably bore me to death with a long, boring talk that has NOTHING to do with Ravenclaw or its ghost. 

_And frankly, I don't want to be a ghost! No! You can't make me!_

_Er... scratch that._

_Hey! Maybe she was a student here. Yeah, and Binns bored her to death! Oh no! It's actually possible! Nooooo!_

As the bell rang, James stuffed his parchment into his bag and rushed to catch up with Sirius. "Actually taking notes?" Sirius asked casually as they streamed out of the classroom.

"Not quite..." James began.

"Ah... taking 'notes' then?" James nodded. "And who is your subject this time?" Sirius asked, feeling just a teeny bit insulted that James did not consult him first.

"The Grey Lady." James answered. "I saw her coming to History of Magic since you lot so kindly left me in my bed. She gave me an idea and I went with it."

Sirius nodded as James spoke and when he was done Sirius asked, "Going to show me, then?"

"Sure, in a bit." James tried to look innocent as Remus joined them, followed closely by Peter. "Remus, mate, did you get all the notes?" he asked innocently.

"Yes, why?"

"I missed the first ten minutes, you know." James said, winking at Sirius. Peter saw their wink; Remus did not.

"I'll let you borrow them when you need them." Remus said tiredly.

James grinned and, behind Remus's back, slid the parchment to Sirius. As they headed to their next class, they passed the ghost of Ravenclaw. James gave her a sympathetic smile before passing. She cocked her head, stared after him, but said nothing.


	30. Returned

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 30: Returned

For what seemed like the millionth time during James's years at Hogwarts, he found himself in front of the Headmaster. And what seemed like the dozenth time, he was not guilty. Or not fully guilty.

Dumbledore was waiting for some kind of excuse, so James had to give him one.

"See, Headmaster, sir, it wasn't my fault. I did not hex one Severus Snape on purpose. This time. He provoked me. Wouldn't shut up about Remus -- "

"And you felt the need to hex him, instead of just walking off like Mister Lupin did?"

James nodded. "Mo – Remus won't take up for himself. Or hex people who make fun of him and hiss that he's a werewolf – silly thing, really – so I hexed him."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Finally James sighed and said, "OK, we know Remus is a werewolf. But that doesn't mean the entire school has to know. Frankly, I'm glad you let him in the school, sir. Remus is an amazing friend and really deserves this opportunity."

Dumbledore smiled, seemingly satisfied. Then he dropped a tiny little secret of his own.

"James, the reason I asked you here is because I have something to return to you." He reached into his robes and pulled out the parchment, James's "report" on the Hufflepuffs. "I found this in the hall."

James winced, not noticeably, but winced just the same as he realized what Dumbledore gave to him.

Getting to his feet, Dumbledore said, "James, a reminder: some people can take a joke. And some cannot as you, I'm sure, are well aware. If you continue to write these, I suggest that you lock them up and write them where no one can catch you."

James nodded, taking that as his cue to leave. It took him several minutes, and a lot of space between himself and Dumbledore's office, to realize that he'd been holding his breath. Taking a few breaths, he raced the rest of the way to Gryffindor Tower, not caring that Mrs. Norris was in his way. Or that she went flying down the hall as he rushed to the Common Room.

"Are you in trouble?" Sirius asked, sounding as though he was sure James was fine as James sat down next to him, panting.

"Dumbledore -- " James gasped, "Dumbledore – found this – in the hall -- "

Sirius's eyes widened a bit, then he burst into laughter. "Did he find it funny?"

James shrugged and repeated the word of warning that Dumbledore had given him.

"He had to have found it funny, mate." Sirius said, grinning. "It's Dumbledore! And we all know Dumbledore knows his comedy. How many times have you gotten away with something because Dumbledore found it funny?"

James was not listening to him. "This fell out of my bag. How many more could I have lost?"

"Go count, then."

James did as Sirius suggested, hurrying upstairs to count the little pieces of parchment. He was more than a bit relieved when all but the Hufflepuff piece was present and accounted for.

"See? Don't let it bother you." Sirius said after James told him this when he returned. "We just have to be a bit more careful, that's all. No names, use your cloak, that sort of thing. We'll be fine."

James hoped that Sirius was right. There were ways to make sure they wouldn't get caught. But would they work? They would just have to wait and see.


	31. Ravenclaws

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 31: Ravenclaw

Sirius settled himself comfortably in the Common Room. It was late one evening, James was at Quidditch practice, Peter was still eating, and Remus had his nose in a book.

So he was bored.

And trying to figure out who they had and had not written about.

"How about Ravenclaw?" he muttered to himself.

"Pardon?" Remus asked, tearing himself away from his book to try to see what Sirius said.

"Nothing, nothing at all." Sirius said smoothly. "Can I borrow your quill?"

Returning to his book, Remus handed Sirius his quill. Sirius grinned and pulled a piece of parchment out of his bag and he began to write.

**I don't believe we've done Ravenclaws before. I can't say that they are all that interesting but let's see how this goes.**

**Ravenclaws. Blue and bronze in color. I guess that's a good mix. It's better than the bumblebee Hufflepuffs. And anything is better than that horrible silver and green!**

**But the Ravenclaws themselves, they're a bit... cheeky. Little smarties think that they know everything. It's more than annoying. I've felt the need to hex them when they get smart.**

**But of course I can't do that.**

**Unless no one is watching!**

**They deserve it. They think they know it all and they look very smug when they do something first in class or get an answer right.**

Sirius paused, scratching his chin with the end of his quill. 'That's all they've got going for it, isn't it? That they're smart and need to be hexed to get that smug, 'I'm better than you!' look off their face.'

He leaned back in his chair and frowned.

**So. Ravenclaws. Annoying. But they do have some good qualities. I think.**

**Oh, yes! Yes, they have good Quidditch ability. Nearly beat us last month. So I suppose they're the second best Quidditch team in school. **

**As I said, they're also intelligent. Too smart for their own good.**

**Apparently Rowena Ravenclaw was brilliant so she only wanted the smart students. Bit selfish of her to me. But if she wanted it, I guess she got it.**

**Their house symbol would be an eagle. I guess that goes hand-in-hand with being smart. Clever birds, eagles. Annoying, too.**

**So it all works out!**

Sirius grinned at his own little humor then glanced at Remus out of the corner of his eye. 'Better put this away before Moony catches me.' he thought. He folded up the parchment and slipped it into his pockets.

'And maybe I won't show this to James. He's had no ideas since Dumbledore found his parchment. Maybe I should take this over, just me.'

Sirius grinned wider, if possible. 'And first up would be a follow up on Snivvy!'


	32. Do Not Wash

James Potter, Nature Expert

**Note: Might need to change that title to Sirius Black. But I think we'll see an increase in Siriusly written pieces. **

**Minus nine points for that pun!**

**Oh by the by, have I done a thing on Firsties?**

Chapter 32: DO. NOT. WASH.

Still chuckling to himself, Sirius settled down comfortably on his bed. Remus, James, and Peter were out wandering the castle, and he wanted to write something down before he forgot it.

Like he could ever forget it!

**Reading back through the 'reports' we've done, I wondered something: what would happen if you bathed Snivicus? Well, I know I wanted to find out.**

**So I tracked him. Found him lurking in the library, all by himself. Which was a good thing. And it was also a good thing I used a certain cloak to keep me hidden.**

**When he left, I followed. And pulled out my wand. And I washed him. **

**Well it wasn't that easy. When confronted with water, Snivicus seemed to panic. He flailed, slipped, nearly hit his head on the floor while trying to run away from the unknown source of water.**

**Then I hit him with some soap.**

**Soap seems to enrage Snivvy. He spat and fought and said some very unkind things about the soap. They were not in reference to me, I'm sure. Just the soap.**

**Anyway, after a minute, Snivvy seemed to choke on the soap. Maybe it was an allergic reaction. Maybe he inhaled half of it. I'm not sure as I'm not a nature expert. **

**After another gentle rinse, he just sort of laid there for a bit. I hope I didn't kill such a rare creature! I wanted to tag him but at that moment a flock of first years were coming down the corridor so I had to leave.**

**Hopefully I'll get the chance to tag and study such a hideous, "fascinating" creature again. But right now I hear someone coming up the stairs, so I need to hide this.**

Right as the dorm door flew open, Sirius hid the parchment under his pillow and managed an innocent enough expression. It was just James.

"Been getting into trouble Padfoot?" James asked with the ghost of a grin.

"Oh you know. Just had some fun with Snape. That's all."

"Ah, nothing out of the ordinary then." James smiled. "So, been working on those... papers?"

"Maybe..."

James frowned. "Sirius if you're caught -- "

"I won't rat you out. Promise. But they're too much fun to ignore or let go! Come on," Sirius began, pulling the parchment out from under his pillow, "read this!"

James read the parchment with his eyebrows raised. But he was also trying to hide his laughter. "That's... something." he said. Then he burst into laughter.

"OK, more than something. That was great! Where was I when this happened?"

Sirius thought for a moment. Then he said, "I think you were in the kitchens, mate. I wouldn't swear to it. But it was less than an hour ago."

James shook his head. If he could have that much fun writing those papers, then he'd continue. But he was also a bit scared to do it. After all, Dumbledore's warning had not left him.


	33. Best House Ever

James Potter, Nature Expert

**Note: I do not believe I've done this before. The idea hit me suddenly and I definitely wanted to do it. More Sirius AND James writing this time.**

Chapter 33: Best. House. Ever.

James was minding his own business, completely ignoring Professor Binns as he droned on and on and on about magic pudding cannons or some other nonsense that James really did not care about.

A folded square of parchment hit his elbow. Frowning, James picked it up and unfolded it.

**Say Potter, what's best about being a Gryffindor?**

_I don't know, what's best about being a Gryffindor?_

**Everything! Come on, what's there's to hate about being a Gryffindor?**

James thought about this for a moment. What was there to hate about being a Gryffindor indeed? He was itching to write 'nothing' but then he decided to write something else.

_Nothing... aside from the Slytherin gits hating us._

**Yes, you do have a point there. But aside from that, Gryffindor is the best house here, isn't it? I mean, we have the best Quidditch team. That doesn't resort to dirty tactics might I add.**

_For the most part._

**Yes, for the most part. We only cheat when the cheating Slytherins cheat. Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, we really don't have to cheat against them. Even if they manage to get ahead.**

_OK, so we've got a great Quidditch team._

**And the best looking girls. Don't forget them!**

_Yeah..._

**Oh come on! Evans, mate, Evans! Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff don't have girls matching up to her, now do they? And most of the Slytherin girls look like their parents cross-mated with some hideous animal.**

James stifled a chuckle. Luckily Remus did not hear him. Or did not acknowledge him. Either way, James was pretty safe there.

_OK, you have a great point. Good Quidditch team, pretty attractive girls. What else?_

**Well let's see. We are rather smart. With the exception of Peter. And yet we are not too cocky about it. At least I'm not cocky.**

_Hey!_

**Face it, you've got a bit of a swagger going on.**

_I refuse to admit that!_

**OK, fine. Lie to the nice people, James. See what I care. **

**We also have pretty good looking guys if I may add.**

_Oh, who's got the swagger now? You think you're the greatest looking boy in the entire school._

**Think? Oh there's no thinking there. I KNOW I am.**

_I'm sure you are, Padfoot. Wait a tick. I know what you're up to!_

**Me? Up to something? I am the picture of innocence, I swear it!**

_Yes you are! You wanted me to write again! And you've got me doing it. Are you happy now?_

**Absolutely!**


	34. Letteriffic!

James Potter, Nature Expert

Chapter 34: Letter-iffic!

_Hello Padfoot._

**Prongs.**

_I have a question._

**Have you?**

_What's the E stand for again?_

**Elephants? Emeralds? Energetic wizards are messes?**

_Our grades. The E._

**Excellent!**

_As good as that sounds, I don't think it's that._

**To be honest, there are so much the E could stand for. Excellent, effortless, expulsion...**

_I hope you're joking about that last one. My mum would have my head._

**I think I am. Honestly I forget what they all stand for. I do believe the O, E, and A are the good ones. The D, P, and T are the bad ones.**

_You would think the T would be Terrific. Not Troll._

**Ah, you remember that one!**

_I don't see how. All these fact that they cram in our heads it's amazing I've not T'd myself out of here._

**You're not the only one. I'm surprised Mister Pettigrew hasn't been sent on the T train home.**

_Cruel._

**Truth is cruel.**

_And D is for...?_

**D means "Damn, how can anyone be that stupid?"**

_I like your way of grading better than the school's._

**Yes, but who would hire yours truly as a teacher? As fantastic a professor as I would make, the poor children might argue with that one.**

_Poor children. Do me a favor and never have kids._

**Oh I'd make a great father.**

_I'd like to see it._

**For contradicting yourself I give you a P.**

_I need to P._

**Thank you for sharing.**

_I'm quite serious. And we've got what, forty more minutes in here?_

**Forty-three. I don't think Binns cares much for our grades. If he did, he wouldn't be so horrifically boring. Though I suppose I give him an O for teaching after death. Defies a few laws of nature I'd think.**

_I agree with that O. For a boring ghost, Binns does a... decent job?_

**Better than some I'd like to say. At least he explains things. In large, long, boring detail.**

_Forget this horrid class. I'm napping._

**I'd give that nap suggestion an A. It's completely Acceptable.**


End file.
